communication

August 9, 2019

A new beginning

Staring into the sunset

The best thing we have done to strengthen our friendship and our family in 2019 has been to end our marriage. It hasn’t ended because of the difference in our religion. It hasn’t ending because of some argument or some indiscretion. It has ended because we are better as friends, best friends, than we ever were at being husband and wife. And we will never not be a part of each other’s lives. For several years we have been putting our marriage over the needs of redkin10, bluecom9, and our children.

When I left the church, I had asked myself “If it wasn’t true, would you want to know?”; and when I stopped, stepped back from everything, and honestly answered that question—in gut wrenching brutal honesty—everything changed. It was that exact question at that exact time that was needed.

A couple months ago now, redkin10 blindsided me with a different question. She asked, out of the blue, “Am I a shitty wife?”

According to her, I just stood there frozen with a stupid look on my face. My thoughts were racing; “How could she be a shitty wife? I love her! She is my best friend and the mother of my children! She is an amazing woman that anyone would be lucky to have! Why am I standing here not answering the question?!”

But for some reason that exact question at that exact time forced me once again to step back from everything, and honestly evaluate that question in gut-wrenching brutal honesty. It took a few days to really pick it apart. She wasn’t asking if she was a shitty person. She wasn’t asking if I loved her. What she was asking was about that specific role she has in my life, and in the reflection, about the specific inverse role I have in her life. And the answer was that we were not good in those roles for each other. And we hadn’t been for a long time.

So we had more very honest and raw conversations. And have had several very honest and raw conversations since then. There is no way that we could have become the people we are today without each other. The support that she has given me in my journey has been immeasurable. And she has become a strong and accomplished woman as I do my damnedest to keep up and support her in everything she sets out to do. We are each other’s best friends. We are the people that we can turn to and break down in tears and crumble to dust, only to be picked up and put back together better than we were before. And everyone should have that person.

But I was a shitty husband for her. And she was a shitty wife for me. And neither of us deserve to be with a shitty spouse for the rest of our lives. When faced with the decision between fighting for a marriage or fighting for the people in that marriage, the people in the marriage need to come out on top every single time.

I don’t know where life will lead us next, but we go there as better friends, still united by those chains that have always held us together, and freed from those chains with which we were holding each other back. It feels like the end of en era, but every end just marks a new beginning.

November 8, 2015

It doesn’t always work

from http://cliparts.co/cliparts/6iy/o8a/6iyo8aK5T.jpg

It’s been a rough few days over here.

When we stop respecting each other and in turn start ignoring the express wishes of our partners…it makes for some rocky roads. Proclamations of love are categorically unbelievable; all readily available evidence would support the opposite being truth.

Lots of tears. Lots of heartache. Misunderstandings and  sometimes deliberate ignorance.

Placing blame does nothing. We can play he said/she said for days and no one will ever win. Pride will ensure that in all participating parties.

But I believe we will get through it. We haven’t been irreparably vexed yet, and we’re more mature and level-headed than we have been in the past.  Refraining from emotional (over)reactions is a practiced skill, one you KNOW i can’t long say I’ve mastered, but it’s definitely one I know I am personally working on.

One of our blog “tags” is “how it works,” but this week, it doesn’t.

It will again, though.

from https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/99/e6/9d/99e69da4befb762524cea85a67b099b1.jpg

November 5, 2015

Theory of Mind

Do you learn something new every day?

Sometimes being married to this guy makes me feel like I learn something new every day.

…..he’s obnoxiously bright. Like, read something once and obtain instant expert level knowledge on the subject obnoxiously bright.

(Wait, then, why are we readers stuck hearing from THIS crazy moron all the time??)

(Hey, don’t be so mean! My slightly-more-normal-intelligenced brain is AWESOME!)

When we were teenagers and I kinda’ was 100% totally head-over-heels in love with had a wee teeny tiny little squidge of a crush on him one of the main things I admired was the seemingly endless bits of knowledge  ratting around in his brain that a simpleton like myself was just…wow. All this garbage about constellations one night while laying on the trampoline just hanging out – he wasn’t being a cocky, cliche-romantic turd, just sharing some facts about life he found interesting!

Well, tonight….. hahaha the caverns of knowledge got me again!!

Some of my super-extended-we-never-see family is coming into “town” for the weekend, and I’m pretty pleased, and trying to make arrangements to make sure we bump into each other at some point while they’re here. Because, well, they’re my family! So I’m on the phone with my Mom, chatting and planning and whatever. And it looks like, at the time, WE are going to be freed up from all the fun and frivolity before dinnertime Saturday because the real grown-ups are going out for a fancy real-grown-up dinner or something.

I have this nasty habit of assuming that you know what I’m talking about. You being whomever I’m currently talking to.

Especially if I was JUST talking about it.

Even if the thing I’m talking about to you that I was just talking about…was in a conversation to someone else that you couldn’t overhear because, you know, phones…that whole one-sided conversation thing….

So I hang up.

And my mind starts going.

Gee, if we’re free by Saturday night I can book a couple of work appointments.  Or we can see if his family is free for dinner. Or we can do this, or we can do that, or or or or or or or….   

What comes out?

“We should see if your family is free for dinner.”

………silence……….for a brief moment….

“Usually by the time a person reaches about 2-3 years of age they acquire Theory of Mind wherein they become able to recognize that what is in their mind may be different than what others may actually be experiencing. ….it does take longer to develop in some than others….”

BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ohmigoodness, I couldn’t stop laughing.

My brain is infantile. hahahaha I don’t have theory of mind!!

Apparently, all the when-what-who-where-why-how CONTEXT of my let’s-do-dinner was…between my mom and I on the phone and theeennnnn carried on in my brain. Silently. Before mid-conversation comes flying out.

If only this were a one-off occurrence. X-D My poor hubs, though, has figured out how to translate, or as in this case, just flat-out tell me he has noooooooooooo idea where I am in what conversation with whom.  Aaaaaand we laugh, repeatedly, at my inability to recognize that I’ve, once again, started speaking out loud mid-sentence, or “repeating” a question I’ve never actually posed outside of my head, or any number of other idiosyncrasies of my, uh, “ability” at verbal communication.

Thank goodness we laugh about it!  And hey! I learned about theory of mind today! I’d call that a win, no? O:-) Do you have any weird communication non-skillz?

October 18, 2013

Fascinating Conversations

Well, there you have it; he’s finally written something! hahaha Last week when our blog started getting some attention on Reddit and we were somewhat overwhelmed with comments and the seeming exponential increase in daily traffic after only a few days online, my Mister snuck into my WordPress account and made himself an author (I wouldn’t let him be an admin or whatever – I’m too controlling for that! muahahaha!) because he wanted to make sure he had a chance to say stuff, too!

But then he’s been a little busy.

And let’s face it; we have lives!  Albeit sometimes those lives consist of us sitting on the couch together plugged into our various electronic devices… whoops….

Anyway.

Let me tell you about our weekend.  As you know, Friday was our 10th anniversary. And while we didn’t really do anything special for our anniversary (being a grown-up means, a lot of the time, these special days are just DAYS) we were tremendously blessed the NEXT day to have a chance to go see Les Miserables playing in Toronto with my parents and brother & fiancee.

As always, it was INCREDIBLE, but more on that later.

After we got back to my parents and it was time for bed, for goodness knows WHAT reason, we crashed on the couch downstairs, and finally, after a year, the floodgates opened.

And we talked.

And HE talked.

For the first time, I think, since he started doubting, researching, learning, and changing his opinions and views, my hubs really opened up and just let it all out.  I mean, unless he’s still hiding things inside or we just ran out of time (1:30am came quickly! And with it some serious exhaustion; when did we get so old?)

Some of the things he brought up and listed….my gosh, it makes so much SENSE. If I didn’t have the faith that I do and I looked at what he’s learned or what he understands, there’s no WAY I’d be in this Church; no WONDER he’s left!

And that’s not to say that I’m better than him or anyone else because my faith is stronger or anything, goodness no! I just currently choose to hold to my faith.  My understanding is that faith is to hope and believe in things which are not seen (but true) and that it cannot by definition be a perfect knowledge. So yeah, there’s going to be lots of things to bombard my attempt at a perfect knowledge of religious truths, for sure. The test of my personal faith is whether I let go of it or not, because maybe Church history is a little bit (a lot? Crazy! And cool – I love history!) different than “Legacy” makes me think, or because I don’t totally understand the workings of the Church policies and functioning of the various quorums and presidencies.  I still don’t understand polygamy as a Celestial law, and definitely wonder about the not-so-up-and-up practices in the early Church….

But for me, it’s not enough to shake my faith. Not today.

It was a FASCINATING conversation.

We were joined, eventually, by my brother, who also does not consider himself a member of the Church, though technically both my boys are on the records so they’ll occasionally be bothered by annoying home teachers and what-not 😉  And then the conversation got REALLY interesting!  I did not know, but apparently my bro’s belief in Christ as the “Son” of God is that the whole Bible thing is more or less allegorical and that Jesus, The Son, is actually the SUN, as in the celestial body in the sky during the day.  Kind of a super cool theory, no? He read something somewhere – let me know if you’re interested in what and I’ll find it and link it for you – and basically said, yup, that makes sense to me, and that’s what he subscribes to.  Very very neat.

My Hubs thinks that theory has basically been debunked… it was some movie, Zietgeist? Or something? No idea spelling, but anyway, the movie was totally ripped apart somewhere else?

Anyway. It’s taken us a year, but we’re finally getting to the point where we are very comfortable and non-confrontational, sitting and chatting about our various beliefs.  And it makes, honestly, for absolutely fascinating conversation.  Assuming he’s right we discuss this; assuming I’m right we discuss that… assuming the sun is The Son there’s a whole different spin on things.  And, goodness, if you take Christianity out of the mix entirely and praise Allah, well, I don’t know anything about that, but I’m sure it’s another riveting topic!

I don’t believe you can truly be “Mormon” without love and respect for everyone else’s beliefs or opinions. It’s in our Articles of Faith. Almost like, the top thirteen things most important in our religion, would you say? Important enough we all learn to memorize and regurgitate them from Primary ages on? We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God…and allow all men the same privilege; let them worship how, where, or what they may.  Not we’re right, you’re all wrong, and you’re all going to outer darkness while we party it up in the Celestial Kingdom. HA HA HA YOU SINNERS!

….I still think he’s wrong…but he thinks I’m wrong. So we at least have that in common. 😀

STOP WITH THE TABOO! TALK about it! Differences are GOOD! They make us interesting! They help us LEARN and GROW and GET BETTER. Image from: http://tisistirades.blogspot.ca/2011/06/stupid-situation-6-talking-about-your.html

October 15, 2013

Thanksgiving Hiatus

Hiya, all! 

Sorry about the hiatus – Friday, as you know, was our anniversary, and then it was Thanksgiving weekend up here aaaand I had that one piece of writing set to post today, but I didn’t get to do the uh, “intro” about it beforehand…whoops… O:-)  

OH yeah, and we’re moving on the weekend. 

So, yeah. Lots going on, here.  

THAT said, we had a GREAT weekend. 

Which I will talk more about later. 

But one of the things that was SO FANTASTIC this past weekend was a super late, super fabulous conversation between my man and me, later joined by my brother. 

FASCINATING. 

Mr Man of Mine FINALLY, after nearly a year, FINALLY let it out, and just DUMPED on me about the Church. It was amazing. Fascinating. Incredible.  He doesn’t usually open up like that to me, and with this subject he’s been so sweetly concerned with possibly negatively affecting my testimony he’s been so hesitant to talk in depth about stuff with me.  

Anyway, sorry to be so vague; it’s late at night, I’ve got one eye on “Bones” (I love this show – the best is when Angela pops on screen with some stupidly impossible technology that twinkles and flashes and has nothing to do with her art skills and connects a bunch of impossible dots by enhancing un-enhanceable photographs or whatever…the whole thing is hilarious.) the other on the orange I can’t eat because my hands are currently glued to the keyboard aaaand my brain is flipping all over. 

Hopefully in between packing boxes this week we’ll finally have time to address some of your fantastic questions – some have asked about HIS views, why he left, etc., and I felt it would maybe be best to hear from him, but he’s ALSO in the middle of switching jobs, so that hasn’t happened yet, either. I’m one of those road-to-hell-paved-with-good-intentions types – and explain a bit more about US.  

In the meantime… ohmigosh, this episode is hilarious – Angela is looking at an image on a computer through “different colour filters” trying to read a serial number on a prosthetic, um, male part. baaahahahaha 

And on THAT note…check for us tomorrow. And if this week we just SUCK…we’re moving Saturday, so should hopefully be back to some sense of ‘normal’ routine sometime next week. 

Cheers, all! Thanks for checking in! 

Image

Image from: https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQpAEQ7cB_16z4m6FJj4Kbi2ARYNwKq4VAEeSy7T63Ry-uvDvXnaw

October 7, 2013

Your Response

Wow. Wow wow wow.

THANK you!

I felt like we needed to share our experience, and we both took a leap of faith. What an overwhelming response we’ve had.

Thank you all for the kind words, love, and support. For both of us.

We’ve heard from camps on each side of the fence. Whichever side you’re on, I PROMISE you’re not alone. Goodness, me. We aren’t either, apparently. There are so many like us out there, like you. The feeling of isolation and even guilt we sometimes burden ourselves with is completely unnecessary!

Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage, I believe. And in our counselling on and off this past year (therapy is where all the cool kids hang out! Hahaha) we learned about its integral role in marriage intimacy – so much more than just a physical piece of the puzzle.

Recently he was chatting with a friend struggling to understand his own doubts and questions about the doctrines of the Church, and both lamented the difficulty of doing so: it’s so TABOO. When doubts arise and attempts to assuage them with honest searching, reading, and questioning ensues that may bring more unclarity or questions to some, the response from camp-believers is often along the lines of oh-just-don’t-look-at-that; brush it under the rug, forget about it, and it will go away.

But how on EARTH can that be the right answer? If, in the Gospel, we are lovers of a Truth, how can we possibly dissuade someone’s searching to understand just that?

Currently, my search has left me FIRMLY encamped in the beliefs I was raised with. I feel with conviction the truthfulness of Christ’s Gospel and the teachings he has left for us. They bring me peace, hope, clarity, and purpose in my life.

My mister, in his search, has found it necessary to remove himself from my side of the fence. He’s pitched his tent opposite. He believes there may be a Creative force or power, but sees no specific evidence to support that that power is specifically, only, or at all limited to the view and understanding that I have of a Deity.

For me to be able to go through my life openly discussing, being, and immersing myself in my Mormon belief while forcing him to hush up, keep his questions to himself, and deny his feelings and/or his conclusions is ludicrous. And it’s NOT what I believe to be Christian.

We profess  in this Church to believe, as listed in the Article of Faith, that all men should be given the same, brilliant, privilege of being able to worship “how, where or what they may.” How can I believe that and not act in such a way as to allow it in my own household?

And so, for now, we agree to disagree. We work to support one another in our sides. We openly discuss new ideas, thoughts, and information we find. We sometimes laugh at each other’s moronic views (me: how can you be so stupid to let the adversary take over your life like that? Him: how can you be so fooled and brainwashed into believing a bunch of warm fuzzy feelings are a special being telling you things and not just indigestion? 😉 ) and we tease.

But we love each other. And we love our girls.

We’ve had some great questions come in – I will do my best to get answers posted quickly! Please, keep them coming!

Thanks for your love and support. We’re both pretty awesome, you know. Even though we may never again agree on this one thing. But we’re made better by our people. That’s where you come in. 🙂