Why now?

Some of you may be wondering why, after a year of holding this information pretty close to the chest, we’re suddenly so out in the open about it. Especially those of you who are our friends on Facebook who’ve seen my husband’s recent, uh, “coming out of the closet” status update!

Here’s what he had to say:

My Facebook friends and family, I apologise for the incoming wall of text, but I wanted to help settle some rumours that some of you may have come across, more of you have not, and many of you don’t really care about. Not all rumours are false, but even the ones that are true never really match reality. You may have heard that I have fallen away or apostatized from the LDS church. The fact is that while I no longer consider myself a Mormon in faith or creed, the terms “fallen away” and “apostasy” poorly represent the process I have gone through. It has been neither through an apathetic falling nor an embittered apostasy that I have come to where I stand today, but instead through a heart-felt, honest, and at times agonizing search for what I could accept to be true. It is a hard thing to have your world view disrupted, but I could not have come this far without the love and support of those with whom I have confided during my journey. It is the fear of many who experience a religious change that those they love, both family and friends, would shun them for fear of their own faith. I am happy to say that I have not experienced this, and for that I am grateful.

Many of the lessons from Mormonism that I have learned, especially those about honesty, integrity, courage, seeking truth and knowledge, charity and love have been invaluable to me and will continue to play an incredibly huge role in my life. Also many of the friendships I formed there are still important to me, not least of which is with my wife [that’s me!] , who has stood by me this past year despite not agreeing with me in my conclusions. In some ways I feel that we are closer now than we have been for years.

I’m not asking anyone to agree with me or to validate me, all I’m asking is that you don’t fear me or mourn for me. I am making a conscious decision that I feel serves the betterment of myself, my family and the world. I won’t spend my time trying to be antagonistic towards the church, as many of the people I love are Mormon and I owe my childhood and the greater part of my adulthood to them.

If you are interested in knowing more about my journey, feel free to talk to me privately. You can usually find me online, or even at church on Sundays. Part of my motivation for this post is also to let anyone who sees this, who is grappling with their own doubts and private struggles, know that they are never alone. There is always someone to talk to, and always somebody who has felt how you do. I do not seek to push or pull you away from what you hold close to your heart, and I am aware that many people have travelled similar roads as mine and have found ways to hold onto their beliefs. But I know it can be hard to find someone to talk to without fearing that you will be judged just for asking your questions.

To think that I tried to leave Facebook three years ago. While I still don’t always agree with its stance on privacy, there just isn’t another platform available that allows me to maintain this degree of contact with so many people with whom I have crossed paths with over the years.

To those of you who have read this far, thank you for your time and love. I hope that our travels through this universe we all share will continue to lead us through some marvellous places. Even better if we can travel there with good company.

As you may have read in my previous posts, I was pretty devastated when I first found out about the conclusions my partner had come to. And as we tend to do with devastating information, I hid it. I didn’t want anyone to know. I feared for the comments, the stares, the gossipmongers to get the information and rip my little family apart; I didn’t need their help in doing that because it was already happening on its own.

But having come so far together in our relationship and our marriage this past year, having welcomed our second, beautiful, perfect little baby girl into the world, and having withstood life having the dogmatic differences that we do, we’ve started to hit a bit of a stride. We’re okay. We’ve shown ourselves, I think, that we can do this, at least as far as we’ve gotten so far.

So when a few weeks ago my husband was asked by an unknowing acquaintance before the beginning of church services one Sunday morning if he would help administer and pass the sacrament to the congregation we found ourselves in a bit of an awkward situation. It definitely wasn’t the time to say, oh, by the way, he doesn’t believe anymore, so no, he can’t help with that.  Holy AWKWARD!!

Then, later, he was asked to participate in some home teaching, going into a member’s home to teach and review points and lessons of the Gospel that he claims no belief in.

Riiiiiight. ‘Cause THAT’S a good idea.

Another time he was asked to say opening prayer in our Sunday meetings.  We weren’t sure if the requester was kidding, knew that the prayer wouldn’t be offered by my mister after their somewhat jesting conversation, or what, so I finally said enough is enough, called him back, and said “you know he doesn’t believe the Church is true, right? He won’t be giving prayer?”

The time to keep it to ourselves has passed. We’ve dealt with our issues with it as they’ve presented thus far.  It’s time to share, and open up. And as he’s opened up via Facebook and subsequently within various text and personal conversations with various people, I figured it was my turn, too. I have a side, I have a story. So with his blessing, here we now sit.

I said before, ask me anything;  I mean it. I want to know what you want to know. I want to know what you think you’d do in my/our circumstance.

I want you to know that’s it’s really weird sitting in General Conference sessions hearing the wonderful Brethren speak with such love and conviction and offer their support to those women and children in the Church without the Priesthood in their home…

….and be ONE of them.

I am one of THOSE women. And I never ever ever ever ever ever EVER dreamed in a million years I ever would be.  Ever.

I’m a Mormon. My husband isn’t. Not anymore. Maybe one day, again, but my reality has to include the possibility that we may differ in this for the rest of forever.

Ask me anything.


5 thoughts on “Why now?

  1. I just wanted to say that I love you and am so impressed by both you, and the amount of maturity and love that I’ve seen in these posts alone. I’ve never been through this, but I have been through sorrows and disappointments of my own, and know a little of the confusion and helplessness of it all. I feel so saddened, but my respect for you both has grown so much just from reading this. Thank you for being honest with your feelings and for sharing them. I’m thinking of you guys, and love you both.


    • Thanks, Holly! It’s been a bumpy ride, but we’re getting there. And if our experiences and growing pains can help anyone else along the way, totally worth it. 🙂 xoxo

  2. Hey there Rebecca, I just wanted to let you know it pains me to know that anyone is going through something like this. I offer my most sincere condolences to you. I do believe you when you say that he is still a good man, but I at least know the pain of seeing a good friend abandoning something they know (or knew) to the core to be true because of their own choices. While this is not the same as having the same happen to a spouse, sealed in the temple, I hope and will pray that the religious differences between the two of you works out that you will find more joy in your life than you even did before. Oh.. and HUGE KUDOS to you for the new found ‘I need to care for myself attitude’ you mentioned! Stick to that! God knows you’re worth it!

    • Thanks! It’s been a hard road for both of us; not easy for him to come to me with it in the first place! I loved Conference, though, with the overwhelming feeling and message of love and understanding; all we can give is our best, and currently our bests have taken us down different paths. We both still rock. 😉

  3. I’m not sure you’ll see this comment any way since this post is so old and I’m just starting to read your blog but I thought I’d try any way. I am in a similar situation now and my world has been shattered. I’d love to talk to you more if you’re willing. I don’t know how we’ll make it through this. You and I have a mutual friend that referred me to your blog so that’s how I found you. I’d love to hear from you via email. Mine is ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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